Thursday, June 28, 2012

Between David and My Eyes… There Is a Riffle



                       A Boxing Tournament Episode#2
             Between David and My Eyes…  There Is a Riffle

When I was a sophomore in college studying sociology and philosophy, I took a class on research methodology. On the first day, our professor started reading a text from one of Max Weber’s essays where he tried to define sociology. Our professor chose one phrase to summarize the whole essay: “Sociology is the science that questions the obvious.”

Having spent the first nine years of my life in an apartment that happened to be in a building on a main road, play time on the street was very rare. In addition, being an only child, made group activities outside school less often. However, I had my own group activity.. It has always been Sarah, my voice and the surroundings. And even as a little girl, I was able to separate my conscious from my subconscious and incredibly watch my reactions to my environment. I managed to speak to myself as if I were an independent being from that inner me, and I managed to do what Weber was talking about in that essay: I questioned; endlessly…Years passed, I moved to tens of other places and no longer was had the “Me time” I used to have and managed to became one of the loudest, most adventurous and outgoing people ever that sometimes I can’t even hear my own voice let alone my surrounding’s. Yet, I still maintained my hobby from time to time; I questioned the obvious
J

Most of the time, the obvious can easily be taken for granted. Most of the time, people are more comfortable taking their surroundings for granted, and even when they can’t, they would fake it, till they make it. But some people can’t.. Some people question the obvious and start drawing lines for what they can and cannot take.  But even then, What is it that makes a person question, draw a line, pick a cause and stand for it? I know that most of you would probably answer that question with abstract vocabulary like: passion, faith, love, strength…etc. And yes, this might be true, but wait a minute! Are all those who fight for causes the same? Don’t you think that some chose and some simply found themselves in the middle of that and who knows if they would have chosen to become activists had they had a choice?

Some of us cannot have a different reality than the one they have; they are not able to adapt with what they have grew to see as “Unfair” so their only way to manage the only life they’ve got is to become activists. Yet, some people have other options in life where, as individuals, they can live in complete happiness, but CHOSE to be where the “Unfair” provoked them.
Moriel Rothman is an American Israeli leftist activist who is currently a full time field activist working to end the Israeli occupation and stop the settlements expansion. Moriel’s blog: http://thelefternwall.com/2012/06/27/on-torture-a-street-theatre-protest-and-reflections-after/ yesterday made me wonder even more: Is a person, who is trying to live with an “Unfair” life style through becoming an “Activist” while waiting for the slightest opportunity to escape to a different place is the same as a fortunate  person who chooses a life less comfortable to support the less fortunate?

In his blog, Moriel describes how he
participated in an act of protest and street theatre, in Jerusalem’s  gaudy Mamila Mall as part of the Public Committee Against Torture in Israel‘s campaign to raise awareness as part of the International Day in Solidarity with Victims of Torture. In the video he attached, and there is more on his blog describing its details and the translation to what was said in it, Moriel lives and teaches others what he  wrote about later saying: “I was, of course, deeply opposed to torture before this action (part of why I took part), but something about this hour, about trying to feel a tiny, imaginary sliver of the humiliation, raw fear, thirst, anger, panic and confusion of torture drove the empathy into a much deeper place, and I think that it will be much harder for me, now, to brush off a story of a human being- especially a child- being tortured, as in the case I wrote about in Silwan last month, of a fourteen year-old boy being tortured in an Israeli detention center.

In the end, I can only recall Mahmoud Darwish’s line from “Rita”:
Between Rita and My Eyes.. there is a riffle.. Many of us grew up singing that line with a joyful/painful rush, but the XX chromosomes in me cannot help but wonder, would that line be sung with the same equal amount of joy and pain if it were altered to: Between David and My Eyes .. there is a riffle?

Good Night ;)
Sarah Jamal,
June 28, 2012
11:40 p.m

September18th. 2011

                    A Boxing Tournament Episode #1
                            September 18th. 2011



“The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. The opposite of beauty is not ugliness, it is indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it is indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it is indifference.”
- Elie Wiesel-

 On September 18th.2011, I woke up a bit early and called my best friend back then, who was more than just my best friend : ),  to agree on how to go to the testing center where we were supposed to take the IBT TOEFL test. It was the very first step for us before trying to pursue our studies abroad.  We were very excited and worried since we did not really study, as usual! The fact that I was an English teacher for almost 5 years did not really help the butterflies in my tummy.. I was worried that if I don’t score high due to the fact that I did not put enough effort into training for the test, I won’t afford paying for another test. I did not even pay for that one myself, my friend did. So, I took the exam and after very exhausting 3 and half hours, I went to work.

I went to teach the first English class for the first time in more than 6 months. When I took my first leave without pay, I thought that we’ll simply protest for a couple of months before Saleh  leaves : ) I guess the Tunisian and Egyptian  revolutions kind of participated in drawing that illusion in my brains! Months passed, and I finished the last penny of my savings while Saleh was still asking on T.V: “Leave? Who is leaving?”  Therefore, I had to go back to work for the first time in months.

On September 18th.2011, the youth at the Change Square in Sana’a decided to march outside the square, which was a step that never ended without bloodshed. It was my first time to be away from the square, the field hospital and the morgue during a march. I thought they would avoid going further when the central security forces start shooting.

Around 3:40 p.m, my friend walked me from the testing center to the English Institute where I used to teach.   At 4:20, the bell rang as I was fixing my eye makeup before walking to class. You see, walking into a new class was always like walking into class for the first time ever. I was a performer who feared the stage every time a performance began as if it was the first time. As I was organizing my students in groups of four so that they get to know each other, I kept on checking my phone. It was 5:30 when my phone rang. It was the field hospital nurse asking me for medical supplies…

It has always been difficult to describe Sana’a in 2011. Two separate parts where one half  was decorated with blood, chants, blackouts and shelling while the other  had fancy restaurants and malls, which were open to suburbia customers. Unfortunately, where I worked, people managed to live normally and away from what was happening a few kilometers away from them.

On that day, I was lost between the nurse’s voice and my students asking me to play a game before starting with the first grammar point while I heard three RPGs hitting somewhere not far. Around 6:00, I dismissed my class 20 minutes earlier and ran to the field hospital to give them the last 200$ I kept from my friends’ donations for medical supplies and there they were….

I walked between two bodies and tens of injured young men. One of the bodies did not have a head while the other did not have an arm. I pointed at the two bodies and told the nurse” Those can’t be caused by riffles or Kalashnikovs, can they?” She did not look at me, for she was too busy writing down the names of supplies she needed but answered  me coldly: “Didn’t you hear the RPGs?”  I thanked her, lifted my purse and walked my way through the crowds of paramedics, journalists and of course the injured.  When I reached the main road, I took a tissue and wiped my silver ballerina shoes from the traces of blood, stopped a cab and went back to teach my 6:50 p.m class.

              “Good evening guys and welcome to level 3A reading and writing course!”

Yes, this is all I remember saying between 6:50 and 8:50 p.m that night. I also remember that months later, my students said that I introduced them to the first steps of writing a paragraph. I know I taught and I know that I did it perfectly in a way that separated my soul from my body. I managed to escape the two explosions’ sounds that opened the class windows the same way I managed to ignore 36 missed calls on my cell phone. After all, I was one of the best writing teachers and one of the most professional ones.. That night turned out to be the first night of an armed conflict between the Republican guards and the army forces that joined the revolution. Also, it was the beginning of how I began to fear indifference.

Between the dismissal bell of my first and last class that term, me walking alone in the dark and watching the flames eating all the streets leading to my house…Between me walking back to my friend’s house as I found out that the 36 missed calls were from my father asking me not to come home because the shelling was not going to stop and my best friend finding out his friend was shot dead in the protest… Between a week and half that I spent two blocks away from my parents watching the buildings around our house burn gradually while my parents called every two hours to say goodbye “Just in case” and the bodies I wrapped in the flag everyday.. Between my parents giving up their national IDs to the republican guards to let them escape and the 4 months we spent in motels and friends’ houses…. Between all of this and that, I can only recall this conversation:

September 22nd
Mont Carlo Radio: So Ms. Ahmed are you at the field hospital right now?
Me: Yes, Sir.

Mont Carlo Radio: Can you describe what you see now?
Me: An RPG just fell on a Café near here and we have three bodies so far.

Mont Carlo Radio: Can you describe the bodies?
Me: Yes, two are burned and the third only has the second half below the chest.

Mont Carlo Radio: Aren’t you afraid things will get worse?
Me: No Sir, I am not afraid of death.  I am afraid of getting used to it…
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Today, I recall my memories from last September and they are still blurry and not very clear. It seems that It will take me a while to remember the details of that month or maybe that whole year. Yet, the only thing I still carry from that Mont Carlo interview is my fear of indifference. 

I will receive my signed IBT TOEFL certificate in two months, and I managed to score really high… My best friend gave up on the –more than friends- as well as the friendship and left me one week after my 24th. Birthday three months ago. And studying abroad? I am still looking for a school to take me….

You see, trauma can destroy a person’s life. However, several traumas can turn what is not normal to very normal. And this is where my greatest fear comes from. Almost nine months have passed since September 18th. 2011 and I can only now tell it almost made me get used to death. 

I am not afraid of death, I am only afraid of getting used to it…

Sarah Ahmed,
June 28th , 2012
12:25 a.m



Tuesday, June 26, 2012

A Boxing Tournament






You have made a choice, you cannot bale.. You cannot complain.. When one of us decides to become a feminist, she must live to the expectations that this honorable concept holds.. When you become a feminist, you should be up to the fight..  When you make a choice to become a feminist, you are indirectly announcing that your life is not yours, it is dedicated to your cause. You need to know that this life is a boxing match for you.. You need to learn when to hit back and when to dodge…

People never notice that they have changed.. It takes a while before they realize that they are not the same anymore. Why? Simply because we do not change radically overnight.. It is that the small details about us change gradually until we as a whole change. And it seems that I have changed a lot in the process of not wanting to fall apart. I never realized how different I have become until I started recalling a quote from a Grey’s Anatomy episode I watched last year:

“Pain..You just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its on. Hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it subside. Most of the time pain can be managed, but sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it, hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain..You just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it... And life always makes more.”

As I was thinking of this quote yesterday, I simply could not ignore the sound of the T.V as my father was watching another boxing tournament. I found myself whispering:

“Dear Life, if you want to play boxing, play clean! There is only a little space left for all the scars and bruises.”

It seems that I have finally understood that being busy and on the road all the time is not quite the medicine for what my friend described as the “Post Trauma” period that we are all going through.

So, I decided to change my boxing strategy:) I will play another role besides being an opponent boxer, I will also be the commentator. I will write about my boxing match as I am boxing..

When I was three, my dad managed to teach me how to read a whole book, it was Alice in Wonderland by the way, and how to write a full sentence and that one happened to be my name is Sarah. I guess by that, my father was trying to say that his only child who happened to be a girl will always have two best friends; a pen and a book. Therefore, I will start blogging everyday in an attempt for me to heal. Between, the lines, I will try to read what the inner me is trying to tell the world about who/what traumatized her and how the post trauma boxing match should be… In those lines, I will try to live the little details that have been changing in my life as well as in my surroundings in all those places I am at or in between.
On one hand, I am going to try to elaborate more on who a feminist is not from textbooks that not everybody had the chance to study. On the other hand, I will try to explain my identity as an Arab feminist by challenging the theocratic male-oriented stereotypical clichés in our Arab societies, which have managed to trap feminism in.

This is simply a diary of a 24 year old feminist who wants to share the scars and bruises as well as the rush of triumph in a life time boxing match within the a tournament called : “EQUALITY”

Sarah Ahmed,
June 26, 2012
1:20 p.m

Monday, June 25, 2012

اكسري/اكسر حاجز الصمت





الاسم: جميلة بو حيرد.. تاريخ: ترويه بلادي.. تاريخ امرأةٍ من وطني.. جلدت مقصلة الجلادِ.. امرأةَ دوخت الشمسا.. جرحت أبعادَ الأبعادِ.. ثائرةٌ من جبل الأطلس..يذكرها الليلكُ و النرجس.. يذكرها.. زهرُ الكبّاد.. ما أصغرَ "جان داركَ" فرنسا في جانب "جان دارك" بلادي...

 استيقظتُ اليوم و أنا أردد أبيات نزار قباني عن جميلة بو حيرد  الجزائرية التي تناستها كتب التاريخ في المدرسة كما تناست ثائرات سبتمبر و أكتوبر و لم تنساها ذاكرتي رغم اختلاط كل المشاهد المخزونة فيها بدماء و وجوه و كلمات و أصوات لم أعد أستطيع تمييز أصحابها.. ببطءٍ شديد و إرادةٍ منكسرة حاولت جر جسدي من على السرير باتجاه نافذة حجرتي الصغيرة.. أزحت الستار قليلاً خشية ضوء شمس الصباح القوي لأني صرت معتادة على العتمة بشكلٍ بات يجعل تعاملي مع الضوء أشبه بتعاملي مع الهدوء... فكلاهما مؤقت.. و منذ عدنا إلى دارنا بعد وقف إطلاق النار في ديسمبر و أنا أسترق لحظات أسترجع فيها المألوف من خلف زجاج نافذتي التي شققت زجاجها رصاصات لا أدري من أين أتت و في صدر من كانت تريد أن تستقر...

ابنة جارتي صارت في الصف الابتدائي الأول... تجر دراجتها حول الحوش و بين السيارات و هي تغني للون الأحمر و هو لون معطفها الذي ترتديه خلال كل فصول السنة تقريباً ببساطة لأنها تحب لونه! رؤيتها منحت ساقيّ سبباً للوقوف فترةً أطول..  ما أجمل صبايا بلادي.. ملامحهن تشبه بلادهن فلا مجال إلا للتأمل في تلك العيون بلون اللوز الصنعاني و الشعر الأشبه لونه ببن المخا و القامات الممشوقة بشموخ بهي كشموخ قمة جبل شمسان... و كلما اشتقت لبقعة في هذا البلد, نظرت في وجوه صباياه.. في وقع أقدام بائعات التين أسفل جبل صبر و في ترانيم راعيات الأغنام في زبيد و بائعات البخور في الزعفران وسط عدن...

بدأت الابتسامة تعرف طريقها إليّ و ألاحق الأطفال بعيني بحثاً عن بهجة تدفعني لعيش يومي بسلام... قاطع المشهد صوت صراخ الأطفال و هم يتعاركون.. صرخوا في وجهها جميعاً: لن نلعب معك.. أنتِ بنت و مكانك البيت.. إلعبي في بيتك بدميتك فالشارع هو مكان الرجال...

نظرت إليهم بعينيها الصغيرتين و شدت وثاق معطفها الأحمر و واصلت قيادة دراجتها بدواليبها الثلاث حول الحوش...

تساقطت دموعي لا إرادياً و جبيني ملتصقٌ بزجاج النافذة.. أحسست بوهنٍ شديد... ثم رفعت وجهي لأرى صور رفاقي فوق الرف.. غريبٌ أمري... رحيلهم برصاصات غيبتهم عني لم يمنحني هذا الوهن... كنت قوية  أودعهم واحداً تلو الآخر لأعود إلى الميدان.. أما الوهن, فلم يعرف طريقه إليّ إلا عندما سمعت نفس ما سمعته جارتي الصغيرة.. الشارع للرجال..

أول مرة قلت لا لعلي عبد الله صالح كلمة "إرحل" كانت في حصة التاريخ الصف الأول الثانوي... لم أكن حينها أعلم أن زميلتي في الصف هي حفيدته
... إنفجرَت باكية و هي تعدد "منجزاته" فضحكت و قلت لها أن جدها كان طفلاً عندما تحققت منجزات دفع ثمنها شهداء لم يسكنوا القصور و إنما سكنت صورهم الكتب التي كانت مفتوحة أمامنا. في اليوم التالي جاء إلى صفنا بصحبة مديرة المدرسة العقيد يحي محمد عبد الله صالح لتطلب مني المديرة أمامه أن أعتذر, قلت لهما: "لن أعتذر و لكني سأستعير من طوقان: في يدينا بقيةٌ من بلادٍ فاستريحوا كي لا تضيع البقية"



بعدها بثمانِ سنوات هرب بن علي! و خرجنا لتحية البوعزيزي أمام السفارة التونسية و نحنُ ننشد: "إذا الشعبُ يوماً أراد الحياة, فلابد أن يستجيب القدر" و مع أننا لم نكن أكثر من عشرين شابةٍ و شاب, فلم نسلم من جموع الأمن المركزي و ضباط الأمن القومي التي اعتقلت ثلاثة من الشباب... يومها ابتسمت و أنا أشاهد صديقتي بلقيس و هي تقف أما عربة الأمن المركزي و هي تصرخ: "إن أردتم أخذهم فعليكم أن تمروا فوق جسدي أولاً" حينها أحسست أننا النساء لن نسقط سهواُ من التاريخ هذه المرة.


مسحت دموعي و اعتلتني نشوة كتلك التي تملكتني و أنا أهتف في الشارع طيلة عام... فتحت النافذة و صرخت بأعلى صوتي: الشارع لكم جميعاً... لك و لها! بعدها نزلت السلم و أنا أردد: تاريخ: ترويه بلادي.. تاريخ امرأةٍ من وطني.. جلدت مقصلة الجلادِ... أخذت الكرة و جمعت صديقتي الصغيرة مع أصدقائي الصغار لنلعب سوية.... فالحوش لهم و لها.. و الشارع لي أعود إليه كما خرجت لأول مرة غداة هروب بن علي لأغسل شوارع بلدي من الإقطاعية و الطبقية و انفراد الأقلية بقوت الأغلبية المقهورة الجائعة... الشارع لي لأرسم لي طريقاً في دستورٍ ماتت شهيدةٌ اسمها عزيزة في تعز حتى يُكتب... الشارع لي لأناضل من أجل قانونٍ يحميني من بطشٍ ذكوري متسلط يمارس عنفه علي ليقمعني كذلك العنف الذي مارسه الإقطاعي البغيض على وطني... الشارع لي لأبني مدرسة أتعلم فيها حتى أتم طفولتي و لا أباع في عمر الطفولة.... الشارع لي!

نزل أبي بعد قليل ليشاركنا اللعب... فابتسمت و تراجعت قليلاً لأجلس على عتبة المبنى.. يلهو أبي مع الصغيرات  و الصغار  و تتعالى  الضحكات و الألوان في مشهد يشبه
 الشعر و محاضرات التوعية و رقصات قبائلنا الذين تركوا السلاح ورائهم  مطلع العام الماضي ليأتوا إلى ساحة التغيير و هم يهتفون سلمية سلمية...

لا مكان للوهن في قلبي الذي لا يزالُ غضاً... لإن الوهن يجعلنا نغرق في دوامات الانتظار.. ننتظر خلاصاً من آلامنا... و لكن كم ننتظر؟ كم طفولة  ننتظر أن توأد قبل أن نطالب بقانون يحمي طفولة بناتنا؟ كم أماً في الريف يجب أن تموت قبل أن نوفر للنساء رعاية صحية متكاملة؟ كم يجب أن تبلغ نسبة الأمية قبل أن نطبق إلزامية و مجانية التعليم الأساسي؟ كم لطمةً على الخد و طعنةً في الخصر و رصاصةً في الرأس ننتظر قبل أن يكون هناك قانون يجرم العنف الأسري؟ كم مسيرة يجب أن نسير فيها بين شوارع المدن و اعتصامات الساحات  و مناوبات المستشفيات الميدانية؟ كم ثورةٍ نحتاج ليعترف الجميع أننا أيضاً يجب أن يكون لنا موقع فعال في رئاسة الوزراء و تحت قبة البرلمان؟ كم سنة من عمري يجب أن أقدم ليدرك الرجل أني إنسان و أن حقوقي هي جزء من حقوقه هو كإنسان؟ كم من عمري يجب أن أهب ليدرك الناس أن حقوقي أولوية و ليس رفاهية أو دلال؟

سأقتل الوهن لأقتل الانتظار... فالحقوق لا توهب و إنما تنتزع....
اكسري
/اكسر حاجز الصمت... شاركونا في حملة دعم اليمن و كسر حاجز الصمت و انضموا إلى صفحتنا:
https://www.facebook.com/supportyemen.org